Tweets/Sedaris

Submitted Tue, 04/17/2012 - 2:32pm by Pat Urban

April 17, 2012

Here are some of the funnier tweets I recently came across.  Of course, I had to clean a few of them up a bit before I could post them here.

 @BJayNash

You Think 7 years is bad luck for breaking a mirror?  Try breaking a condom.

 

@MikeDrucker

Everyone who claimed God told them to run for President has now dropped out. Either they were all full of (dung) or God’s a (jerk).

 

@pattonoswalt

The Tupac hologram at Coachella wasn't half as amazing as the Janis Joplin sock puppet at Lilith Fair in '96.

 

@TheSulk

Glad my parents spent 100k on my education so now I can type "c u @ 2" to my pot guy.

 

@Jesus

The Beatles are bigger than me, but c’mon there’s like four of them

 

@JohnTole

Sex with me is like a carnival, mostly because it happens with poor undereducated white people in a parking lot 

‏@blainecapatch

65 years ago jackie robinson broke the color barrier, becoming the first man in history to travel faster than the speed of color.

 

@scullymike

Next to murder, the worst thing a human being can do is wave their arms slowly back and forth over their heads at a concert.

 

@denisleary

Rascal Flatts was discovered on Ed McMahon’s “Star Search.” Proving once again that alcoholics don’t care who they hurt.

 

@Juliussharp

My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a (dump).

 

@SethMacFarlane

I hear babies cry. I watch them grow. They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know. And I think to myself: who brought babies to this bar

 

Speaking of things I have to clean up before I can post—Friday, we went to see David Sedaris at Eisenhower auditorium. 

 

It sure beat staying home to watch the Pens blow another lead.  Anyway, to me, the funniest line of the night was when he was reading from his diary.  He described seeing a T-shirt that read:

 

What do we want?

A cure for Tourette Syndrome

When do we want it?

(Very bad word you should never, ever call a woman!)

 

Made me laugh.